I'm going to lay it all out there

I'm too old for secrets. For drama. For absolute childish behavior.

I will continue to maintain my silence on certain things, and thats out of respect for a good friend. As much as I would love to make myself perfectly cut and dry clear, I'll have to find a way without going against that person's wishes.

So. Starting with the apparently hot topic: ASA

I left ASA because I felt that as a super mod the work and many many hours that I had spent on that site were for naught. I felt like a child having to walk on eggshells, never knowing if I was going to be in trouble.
Things as silly as adding a smiley, and then the next day the permission is gone and no one says why until I ask. So one day its ok, and the next its not? And then when I say something, its magically returned. Hmmm ok. I also left because of an attitude. I am not a child to be parented (and I dare someone to ever try to parent me in my mid-twenties), and I certainly do not take well to lectures. Unless you are a college professor whom I am PAYING to teach me something? Don't try it.
Now, I will say, that these two things specifically happened after I left ASA. However, the attitude has been there for some time. THAT is why I left. The events following simply confirmed my decision.

When asked, I will tell the truth. I am not encouraging a mass exodus; I am not spreading gossip about the site or its owner. To be very clear, I don't care that much. If you choose to stay a member of that site, I have no problems whatsoever. That is your decision, and I will not try to change your mind. I did what I needed to do, for myself, for my family, for my sanity (or whats left anyway)

I will never be a part of another "support site". I won't join one, and I won't create one. I have no intentions of being a part of a large group of specifically military spouses ever again; and yes that includes an FRG. I've survived how many deployments/FEX/schools without one? Yeah. No thanks. Not if I can help it. They can be a wonderful resource if thats your thing, but its not mine anymore.

Lastly, if I deleted you from FB (*gasp*) its because we don't talk. I don't understand why people get so upset over being removed from a silly social networking page, when they don't even talk to its owner! I don't do things out of maliciousness. Please, I don't have the time or the functioning non-sleep deprived brain cells to be malicious. I have a temper, yes. But its a flash in a pan kind of thing. Its instant, and its over. When it comes to Facebook, I have pictures of my family on there, its how I keep in contact with my close family and friends who are all over the world. Its not a popularity contest, and if thats how you see it then I'm really not sorry about having deleted you.

If thats all that you came to my blog for, you can stop reading now. Because the following posts will bore you.

No. More. Drama.

There is a lot of drama floating around right now. Quite frankly, I have enough of my own that I try not to pay attention to other people's drama. My friends know that they can vent to me, and I will be a sounding board and a non judgmental receiver for when they need to get it out. However, do not mistake that for allowing myself to be drug into all of that drama. I stand firmly on the outskirts. If I have a problem with you, or if I feel that there is no need for you to be in my life; I have no contact with you. I'll delete you from Facebook, my cell phone, my blog, what have you. Its not out of maliciousness, its simply because I keep my circle tight and if we aren't friends then why should I keep you around? Whats the point?

On the same token, I want my friends to realize that if they are in my life its for a reason; and I do not judge you based on a Facebook status (or lack thereof). Sure, my friends might drive me a little crazy sometimes. I'm sure I drive them bonkers myself. But please don't sit there and wonder if I'm speaking ill of you, or if my statuses are aimed at you. I'm a rather straight forward person, and I try to make sure that I keep the lines of communication open. If you can't help but wonder, then please ask. Just know that I do not make a habit of making passive agressive statements (on the internet of all places) regarding people that I consider friends.

So. Recap. Key points in this mumbo jumbo?

A) If we are not friends, I will delete you from my life. Its that simple. I don't collect aquaintences and call them friends.

B) I do not address any negative statements on FB towards the people that I consider friends. If you can read the status, then its not about you.

C) If you ever wonder what I think of you, ASK ME. I'll tell you. You might not like what I have to say, but I won't hide it.

This one's long and complicated

So bare with me.

Yesterday was a very emotionally frustrating day. I discovered a lot of things about myself and about the situations/environments that I put myself in.

First, I realized that my opinion is no longer needed or wanted in certain places, and thats fine. It really is. But I'm not going to stick around where I'm not wanted, and my work is no longer appreciated. Call it growing pains, but I'm over it. I'm not mad (seriously, not mad, upset, or anything), I just don't have time for walking on eggshells. I've invested too much, I've made a lot of friends (some for only a short time, others for life), but I'm done feeling like I have to watch my step. I don't answer to anyone but my God, and I'm done feeling like I'm going to get in trouble for trying to do my job. So I'm good. I'm done.

Second, we lost a couple of guys on Monday from ACB-1. I did not personally know them. Sean did. Not well, but he did know them. The reason this gets to me as much as it does, they died during a field exercise. Something that my husband has done many times. Somehow a water truck rolled, and 2 of them died, one is in the hospital. This whole thing has hit me like a ton of bricks. They don't have to be in the middle of the war for something to happen. Just being in training to go to war can do it. If its their time, I guess its their time.
What this made me realize is that nothing is as important as family. Not support sites, not tv shows, not computer games, not petty drama. I owe my husband and my children my full attention, effort, and energy. If that upsets someone, then so be it. My former boss (and at one time client) called it a BFO moment. "Blinding Flash of the Obvious". She even named her company that. She's a smart lady. Here's to you TB!

Lastly, I'm feeling torn in a million directions. I need to get back to CA to see my family. My kids need to see their grandparents. Even Sean says we need to go back for a visit. But how to do that and still save to buy a house? I feel like I have to choose; do whats in the best interest for my family in the long term, or satisfy this selfish need to see my parents. So now I get to save money like crazy, and hope that somehow its enough to do both. If not, I guess we wait another year for something. Its just really hard to choose.

Much better already

Yesterday just started off on the wrong foot. I can't explain it, but I pretty much knew from the get go that something was going to blow. That something was probably going to be the cap that I hold loosely over my temper. The things that I was ranting about in yesterday's blog; yes they irk me regularly. But I'm usually able to bottle up my feelings about them, and then let them go with the bath water. Not my life, and there's a nifty little "hide" button on Facebook. Yesterday... yeah.
I ended the day by yelling and then pleading with Sean's mom to please stand up for herself and for her children. She's allowing her second youngest daughter to stay in her home with her 30 year old boyfriend. Yes I think he's a pedophile. He's been "with" her since she was 16. Story is, he drinks profusely, and recently had his hands on their mother. I don't care if its just a "pat on the rear" its inappropriate and not something that a) Julie should put up with, or b) something that the younger kids need to be exposed to.
It goes without saying that had Siobhan been my daughter, I would have taken the risk of losing any "friendship" or positive relationship with her, in order to make sure that I did my damn best to ensure her safety. That would have involved refusing to allow her to date or be with men who are twice her age. If he really loved her, he would have waited until she was 18 and legal. But I digress. Siobhan has made her bed, and now she can sleep in it. I really hope she doesn't end up hurt. I really really do. But now this man is in the home with the younger kids, and thats just not kosher. That is Julie's home that she built with Larry for their family; she doesn't need nor deserve to be made uncomfortable by this man. I really don't think Larry would appreciate his wife or his house being disrespected.

That situation aside, I'm really looking forward to a relaxing weekend. Celebrating Mardi Gras a few days early with the Sanson clan, and then starting Lent early on Monday. Yes, I know it technically starts on Wed, but since I'm already being a bad Catholic and not taking my kids to church on Ash Wednesday... I don't think God is going to mind if I start my period of reflection, sacrifice, and inward cleansing a few days early.
The vices that I'm tackling this year? Caffeine (as in coffee and soda) and alcohol. They are doing a number on me both inside and out, and I know I'm going to need some divine intervention to help me succeed. I want to be healthy for my kids, for my husband, and for myself. I have this feeling that I'm ultimately putting myself into an early jittery grave with the amount of coffee I consume on a daily basis. Easily a pot a day. No bueno!

Just flitting around

I'm still around, just neglectful =)

Things have been crazy these past few weeks, and its taken a bit but we're finally working into a schedule. Lexi hangs out with us M-F while her mom is in the police academy (which I must add is pretty freaking awesome), and her dad is AD. Its kind of a mad house at times, but really the second toddler doesn't add that much to the already hectic environment. Having her here also is a learning experience for Liam, he has to share (gasp!), he has to play nice (double gasp!), and he's learning social skills. Lexi is learning the same, but is also increasing her vocabulary. Win win?  I think so.
We'll also be starting preschool lessons when Lexi comes back from her visit with Grandma, and we've already started potty training. Liam needed a refresher course, and Lexi needed (needs) to learn to be comfortable around the toilet. Its slow going, but the tortoise won the race, not the rabbit.

Sean and I have been discussing our next and probably last baby. Having just turned 30, he doesn't want to be in his fifties when our kids graduate from highschool. That gives us 2 years from now to have our last. It really makes me sad, I know I'm not done, and I don't know that I'd be done after 3  kids either. We originally wanted 6, then decided on 4 after watching his mom struggle and not able to provide for her brood. My solution? Pray for twins. Seriously. Obviously whatever is meant to happen is what will happen; I most undoubtedly believe in a higher power, and am not arrogant enough to think that its all up to me. But... I can at least read through the old wive's tales and make sure that I do everything that I can to help things along. I know it sounds silly, and it does sound silly even in my head. But I think that if I were to go through a twin pregnancy after the two singles that I've already had... I'd be a lot more accepting of his wishes to stop.
I still have a bit of time, B is only 7 months tomorrow and I'm thinking that I'd like to enjoy this entire year without being pregnant. So deployment and all that willing, maybe we can start trying in January. We'll see. This is just me thinking again, and is very unofficial.
Off the baby subject, tax season has come again, and with the exception of one small student loan we are now debt free. The SL we're keeping open since a) its an incredibly low intrest rate, and b) its just been rehabilitated and he needs to show that he's reliable at paying it monthly. We still have to go back and ammend a couple years' taxes, but that should even out and not involve us paying or receiving anything. Which is 100% fine by me. I feel great knowing that we're in a better position to take care of our family. We're not rolling in dough by any stretch of the imagination, but our kids don't have to go without, we can hopefully buy a house this year, and I've got my fingers crossed for a trip to see my family. I can't wait for them to meet my princess and see how big our little boy has gotten. I miss them. They're crazy, obnoxious sometimes, but they're family and they mean a lot to me.
But before I start getting all sappy, I'm going to go vacuum and steam clean every stinking cloth surface in my home. 3 kids with snotty noses = slimey trails and germs e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e. Gross.

I'm over it.

Ok, I'm actually over a lot of things, but two really stand out.
I'm over this command. It makes me mad just thinking about them. Who cares if my husband is a coded welder? If he wanted to sit and weld all day he could have stayed on the ship. Or with the Seabees. They're just wasting their time and his, and flipping a huge middle finger to the kids and I for all that time spent apart. For no reason. And he got a P eval out of it, because he wasn't observed for damn near a year. Thanks RON2. I'm now counting down to shore duty. Jerks.

The other thing I'm over, is trying to rebuild a relationship in which I feel like I get put down quite often. I don't think this person means to do it, which kind of makes it worse? I don't want to go into too much detail, but I'm not even mad anymore. Sad kind of, because I thought we were getting somewhere positive again. I guess thats what happens when you grow up and move on. Maybe it makes it easier for them to deal with the way things are, by being snarky. Instant defense. Whatever. Enjoy your family. I've learned; I'm an afterthought. I should have expected it.

Catching Up

The whole wide world knows that yesterday was Liam's surgery. He had a meatotomy to correct meatal stenosis. Basically, the hole in his penis was closing up. Has been since his circumcision at birth. So I've been a giant mental wreck for longer than I realized, and had so much stress that most of it I wasn't even aware of. When it was all over yesterday, I seriously felt like the weight of the world had been lifted. I can't even really explain it!

So now, I'm enjoying life and playing catch up. I want to read my friends' blogs, I want to start writing letters again. I miss my passion for the written word.

I feel like I can focus again, on my workouts, on my kids, on living life and enjoying it. Who would have thought that such a little thing (his procedure being over) would have such a huge effect?

So many people sent prayers and positive thoughts yesterday and the day before; it might sound weird, but we definitely felt them. Liam was calm going in, I didn't freak out. Heck I think I shed one tear when I kissed him and handed him off to the nurse. Sean was able to take the day off and be there with us. I'm so glad he was there for both Liam and I.

 I really feel good again knowing that there isn't anything bad looming up. Other than deployment of course, but thats a whole other thing, and not exactly bad. That's just life.